Saturday, October 6, 2012

Review: Zero Impact German Chocolate Protein Bar

OK, I actually ate this last weekend, which was before all of my crazy ER/doctor’s visits started, which means it’s been a  long week between my actual ingestion of this bar and me writing this review. I’ll try my best to remember the exact experience from my notes.

First off, this was a free sample bar from (I got it with my order of...Quest bars, of course!) The actual Zero Impact German Chocolate bar has 425 calories and 30 grams of protein; mine was about a third of that (150 calories, 10 grams of protein). Supposedly “Zero Impact” refers to the supposedly minimal effects of this bar on your blood sugar. (Supposedly.)

First off, it’s really greasy. It left a big grease spot on the napkin, and I didn’t really want to touch it. It wasn’t sticky, anyway...but then again, I don’t really want oil all over my keyboard either.

This bar is actually really soft. It’s still that gummy texture that most uncoated protein bars have, but it’s much softer than my Quest bars--more like Quest bars after you microwave them. I would compare  it to soft cheese. My only complaint here was (again) that it’s a little oily. That, and it does stick to your mouth a bit the way “gummy” bars do.

With my first bite I was really digging the coconut/sweet taste. I was impressed with how good it was. The coconut pretty much took over and everything else became a subtle background hint. It was only halfway through my mini-bar that I started struggling. The base, while all right as a minimal contributor, turns into some yucky bitter monster if you don’t get enough coconut. I can’t describe exactly what it tastes like (partly because this was a week ago), but I know it’s not chocolate, or anything remotely close. it’s certainly not appealing. I know that no protein bar really tastes like chocolate, but some taste pleasant nonetheless. This one misses the mark.

Overall, this bar didn’t really do it for me. It started out OK, but it turns out I just got lucky with a bunch of coconut on my first bite. Being that I have an aversion to all things greasy (chronic pizza-patter here ;)), this was an issue for me as well. I’m glad this was a mini bar, as I’m not sure I could have finished the full-sized version. And I ate an entire flatbread coated in Walden Farms’ Peanut Spread.

Taste: 4--if you get a lot of coconut, you’re golden. If not...sorry.
Texture: 8--very soft for a “gummy”-type bar, but a little oily.
Health: 8--it has quite a few carbs, but a lot of that is fiber. Same with fats: they’re noticeable, but they are healthy fats.
Eat Again? No.

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