Thursday, May 9, 2013

I Love You Guys

I have the best friends and family.

I owe a huge thank you to all of you. Since last night, I’ve gotten several Facebook messages from friends encouraging and supporting my efforts. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.

And today I had a long talk with a friend who has struggled with similar issues. Before I saw the doctor on Tuesday, I was feeling mentally strong enough to fight. Then the doctor basically told me that I wasn’t. Which made me think that my thought processes were totally warped and that my reasons for not wanting to go inpatient weren’t actually mine, but my eating disorder’s.

At first my friend thought inpatient was a good idea. She has watched me deteriorate since last summer, and I can only imagine how alarming it was for everyone to see an already small person start withering away. But I explained my new view of exercise and food, and that I’ve been gaining weight. That I feel so much better mentally and physically, but the thought of completely stopping exercise is tripping me up. It is part of what I look forward to--that, and horses. And the doctor wants to take them both away.

I feel like stopping exercise cold turkey has huge potential to backfire. That I would be so depressed that I’d go right back to old bad habits, or pick up new ones. This is what’s keeping me sane right now, and taking it back to one hour per day has already been a huge change. When I explained all this, my friend agreed. She, too, reduced her exercise, scaling back slowly, and it worked for her (granted, she never got so far down as I have). She thought such drastic measures might hurt more than help.

I can’t describe what a weight came off my shoulders as we talked. Here was someone with a healthy view of food and exercise, validating my thought process. You have no idea how amazing it felt to have someone tell me my thoughts are rational, that I’m not crazy, after my psychologist told me I was.

So now I feel much better about my decision not to go to the hospital. It’s still an option, if my current path doesn’t work. I know my doctor has told me to stop all exercise, and I’ll think about it...but I also have to think about whether it will deter me from the recovery path. It’s not as black and white as she made it. I think recovery is never the same for any two people, and you can’t try to force someone into a cookie-cutter model. For now, this is my decision. I really hope it’s the right one...but if it’s not, I know there’s another option.
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