Wednesday, May 8, 2013

When the World Comes Crashing Down...Make Froyo!

This whole “recovery” thing is throwing me for a loop. I have been loving life for the past ten or so days, ever since I decided to make a change. I’ve stayed with my hour of cardio. I’ve really started to enjoy riding and just being with the horses again. I’m adjusting (slowly) to having so much more free time and finding things to occupy myself with instead of exercise and food. I’m more relaxed and social. And I don’t feel fat as often as I used to, even though I’ve gained about five pounds.

I thought I was doing well on my road to recovery. Then I went to the doctor and got a slap in the face. She recommended inpatient.

Her other option was to stop all exercise immediately (except walking the dog) and follow her meal plan exactly to the letter. Which is basically inpatient, only here. And...she told me that in her opinion, no way can I go down to North Carolina at the end of May and start my job in June.

In the past ten days, exercise has become something I look forward to in the mornings, rather than something I have to do. It sets me up for the rest of my day and keeps me sane. At this point, I really don’t want to go without it. Especially because the doctor’s definition of “exercise” included horseback riding. I’ve just begun to love it again, along with so many other things that my disorder kept me from loving.

Honestly, the thought of giving up everything I enjoy in life, especially after just having discovered that there are things to enjoy in life, made me want to give up. If this is the only way out, why take it? Why should I give up  my newly found life, all the more dear to me because I’ve just started it?

But if I decide to just keep going the way I have been in my own “recovery,” I’ll feel like I disappointed her. On the other hand, I feel bullied into a decision. I’m supposed to decide by today, but I feel like ONE DAY really isn’t enough time for something this huge. I’m so confused. I just feel like there’s nothing left to look forward to anymore; every time I ride, or do a push-up, or get on the stationary bike, I feel guilty. So nothing can be enjoyable anymore, because everything I like doing (most of it, anyway), I feel like I shouldn’t be doing. Even eating my morning Quest bar!

More than that, I’m second-guessing myself. I thought I was strong enough to overcome this eating disorder. But now two medical professionals (the doctor and my counselor) have told me--in one day--that I’m not fit to make the best decisions for myself. Every thought I have is warped by my ED. So I don’t know anymore, can I continue on this path without relapsing? Am I right on the brink of exercise bulimia all over again? Do I really only “like” exercise because it burns calories? Moreover, do I like it, or does ED?

So, I don’t know if I trust myself anymore. I spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening bawling my eyes out, staring vacantly into space, and (unfortunately for someone trying to gain weight) having absolutely no appetite. But I had a nice, low-key ride on Sydney (yes, I disobeyed...but with my mom’s knowledge...shh!), which helped to relax me, even though we got rained on. And I thought. I still don’t know what I want to do. Ooops, deadline passed.

Anyway, you know that ice cream always cheers you up. I really really wish this could have been a happy and cheerful post where I get all excited about the Cuisinart ice cream maker we ordered off of Amazon so my mom and I could experiment, but events just spun out of control. Still, I don’t want to wait another day to share our first attempt.

Yeah, if you read frequently you probably saw this coming. Funfetti Froyo! I got the recipe from Chocolate Covered Katie and made a few adjustments, without having the faintest idea what to expect. (Yes, I was making frozen yogurt at 9:38 p.m.!)

The batter: almost an entire 32-oz. tub of Dannon Light & Fit vanilla yogurt (that’s three cups volume; I learned 8 ounces of yogurt is NOT a cup!), 5 tablespoons of Funfetti cake mix, and a bunch of Stevia in the raw...I forget exactly how much, I just kept throwing it in and then tasting, trying to get rid of that tart yogurt flavor. It never really went away, but I think the final tally was 6 or 7 tablespoons of Stevia in the raw.

It’s been so long since I got converted to Greek yogurt that I’d forgotten how runny regular yogurt is.... Anyway, the mixer bowl has to be completely frozen (which can take up to 22 hours!) before you can use it. I made a mess pouring the yogurt in, but otherwise it was really easy! And loud. And it was cool to watch the mixture congeal into a thick froyo. After 35-ish minutes, it was a soft-serve consistency, not hard at all to get out of the bowl and into our storage containers...

Finally, a use for those Talenti jars! I won’t say how many we have because that would be embarrassing... :)

It’s not at creamy and soft as the froyo you’d get at a store, but I wasn’t really expecting it to be. It tasted like tangy Funfetti batter. If I make it again, I’ll probably add more cake mix, as the flavor was a little light for me. Also, more sugar (Stevia, whatever). But it had probiotics from the yogurt, and wasn’t a calorie I didn’t feel too bad about eating the entire batch! Although, I hate to think what the doctor would say if she knew...

Umm, wow. Long post...sorry, and sorry if I’ve lost you. If not, thanks for hanging in there, I hope the recipe is worth it. Given the amount of thinking I need to do in the next few days (and hours), my family better get in the mood for some ice cream, because I think this Cuisinart will be busy for a while. :)
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