Tuesday, July 2, 2013

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another

So, the last week or so has been...trying, to say the least. Mostly last Thursday, culminating in me spilling water on my beloved MacBook and it subsequently going black. I turned it upside-down, put it in rice for a day, took all my important files off of it, and finally brought it to the Apple Store...which, by the way, doesn’t touch anything with water damage. So it’s in Texas now getting fixed, which is slightly cheaper than buying a whole new MacBook. But it’s still a good thing I just got my first paycheck. :/

But first, before all that, I got told off for running along the road at work; I had no idea it was “against company policy,” as the security guard politely informed me. So no running from work now, unless I want to hit a treadmill...which I don’t. So I’ve been running less, but when I do run it’s on the American Tobacco Trail, which I absolutely love. It’s a paved path just for bikers, joggers, walkers, you name it. It’s pretty and in the shade, which is always an important consideration down here in the summer after the sun comes up and before it goes down.

But anyway...back to the topic at hand. I spent four hours going back and forth with four different people in various parts of the world trying to get my development environment set up for work (it’s still not done, by the way). Which was frustrating in itself, but then the scheduling lady from UNC Eating Disorders clinic called right in the middle of all that and wanted to talk.

Now I’ve been trying to hook up with some sort of eating disorders specialist/team since before I came down here. So I didn’t want to say no. And now I finally have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning. BUT...she basically told me that outpatient wouldn’t be enough. She said their team “didn’t think they could help me” that way. So now I’m starting to doubt my original decision to try and do this “my” way in the first place. And wondering if I can really stick with it. Maybe I do need something more. Maybe I’ll just keep stalling and putting off really getting better. Maybe I’ll backslide. Maybe a relapse is just around the corner. Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure.

On the other hand, I just started my job. I really don’t want to have to take a medical leave right now, and I don’t think there’s any way I could work and go through inpatient treatment, whether or not it’s full or partial.

I want to want to get better. I want to want to gain weight, or at least be OK with it. But those are things that I struggle with. I wish there was some program, therapist, drug, I don’t care what, that would just magically make it happen. Because then I would know, without a doubt, that I am committed to recovery. But with all these people basically encouraging me to doubt myself...well, can I help it that I am?

I’m also in touch with Duke, so there’s another option on the table. Either way, I have a lot of thinking to do. As a result of all this, I’ve been eating a TON of Ben & Jerry’s (you probably noticed). Maybe not the best way to deal with stress, but certainly the tastiest. :)

My family is coming down for the Fourth of July break, so that will help to bounce ideas and thoughts off of them. And I can’t wait to see everyone again and go out for froyo and some crazy Mexican food. And check out some stables that might be suitable. Because I need my horse. Period. I love North Carolina, but it’s just not the same without him.

I’ll try to check back in tomorrow, after my appointment. Until then, fingers crossed...I know I may not like what I hear, but I feel better knowing I’ve made contact with professionals down here that I can go to for help. And here’s to a hopefully relaxing four-day weekend!
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