Tuesday, July 23, 2013

MinnieMaud Day 3: The Waterworks and Other Observations

Sorry, but I don’t have a whole lot of deep insights on loving your body and whatnot tonight. I have been feeling a bit like there’s a balloon in my stomach, but I’ve been trying to ignore it. I was ready for that aspect of this journey. However....

[If you have a problem with TMI you can stop reading now.]

What you don’t hear about is rehydration. I no longer get back from the gym dripping sweat, so I don’t have to replenish several pounds’ worth of water to start my day. The result is that I drink less...and pee more.

Like, seriously I’m a freaking peeing machine! I get up practically every hour on the hour during the night. It makes sense. I’m not really that worried, although it does seem a bit contrary to the fact that I’m supposed to be retaining water. Maybe this just means there’s not really really severe damage? At least that’s what I’m hoping. But for every gram of muscle built, you need about four grams of water, so it could just be my muscles going unused and flushing out all their water...OK, I totally made that up. Let’s go with Option 1. It’s just such a nice contrast, because when I was still exercising I retained water like crazy. So, if you were ever skeptical, it’s really true that you need to rehydrate to get rid of water retention!

[TMI over, you may resume reading.]

So anyway, I’ve learned a lot in my obsessive blog reading of the past few days. A lot of it really speaks to all the contradictions involved with eating disorders. Yes, there are the well-known mental contradictions, like my desire to get better clashing with my aversion to gaining weight. But it turns out there are physical contradictions, too.

I my bloodwork has usually come back clean. Up until the time I started seeking treatment, everything was always balanced. It was always so satisfying when the doctor told me what they expected from someone with my type of issues, drew my blood, and then had to eat their own words when I was totally fine. But I wasn’t fine at all. What happens is, the body eats its own tissues (catabolism), and that process “releases these needed elements into the bloodstream thereby falsely assuaging everyone’s concern that the patient is at risk of biological failure” (from YourEatopia.com--see the full article here). And then bloodwork can get worse when refeeding starts, which is certainly interesting.

But this is just part of what makes eating disorders so scary. You think you’re fine. In some cases other people even think you’re fine. But you could have a heart attack and drop dead at any moment. Your electrolyte imbalances could send you to the ER in an hour. In the depths of the disorder, you’re invulnerable; none of that applies to you. These are all things that happen to someone else. But it’s not true.

Luckily, I never had any serious complications. Four fractures is enough, but in reality I guess I was fortunate.

But that’s all behind me now, or at least I’m working to put it there. And for now I’m enjoying some cinnamon toast from my new toaster oven and contemplating another snack in the near future. My new solution to everything is just eat. Worried? Eat. Hungry? Well, duh, eat. Tired? Eat. Bored? Eat. Bloated? EAT!!

At least until my brain rewires and I can trust my hunger cues and be NORMAL. Whatever normal is. Right now I’m just going to try and keep a positive attitude, no matter how hard it seems.
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