Wednesday, July 3, 2013

No Easy Way Out


So. UNC refused to offer me outpatient treatment.

This thoroughly confuses me. I understand them recommending partial inpatient, which is what they did. What I don’t understand is refusing all other treatment, refusing the treatment that I wanted. The thing about eating disorders is, so much of the time the sufferer doesn’t choose recovery voluntarily. So when somebody finally rises up and says, “help,” it only makes sense to give them help, right? Even if you feel it’s not enough, something is better than nothing? Or am I just delusional?

No really, am I? This is the second time I’ve been told I’m wrong. That I’m headed to failure by avoiding the hospital. The second time I’ve been told that I’m not in my right mind and I can’t be trusted to know what’s right for me. And now I’m starting to wonder, what part of my mind is mine, and which part is making the decision? Is it me, or is it ED? So now there’s half of me that thinks maybe I do need inpatient, and half that doesn’t want to give up everyday life and work when I’ve only just gotten started in North Carolina. I just don’t know if both of those halves exist in the half of my brain that belongs to me, or if one is the part occupied by ED.

So maybe we’re talking quarters, not halves, I don’t know. I’ve lost track. I’ve confused myself running around in circles and bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball and I’m exhausted and my head hurts. I don’t know who to trust, the doctors or myself, if it’s even me.

And I’m leery of the fact that they decided all this before even talking to me, based on a couple of questions on the referral and my weight. Does it matter that I’ve gained about 10 pounds from my lowest weight? I admit that I don’t particularly like it, nor do I enjoy the thought that I have to keep gaining, but I can’t really imagine limiting my food or exercising so much again. That has to count for something. And since I’ve gotten here, I’ve maintained or gained every week.

I know I’m so far from true recovery. But isn’t there some possibility that outpatient treatment would help me? Actual weight restoration isn’t the only issue, and I’m not even sure that’s the priority. My priority is WANTING to gain weight, understanding what is a healthy weight and being OK with myself at that weight. I want to see and feel normal as normal, not “fat.” Does that have to be accomplished in a hospital, couldn’t seeing a therapist as part of a team help with that too? And then, wouldn’t the weight gain follow naturally?

Well...I think I’m even more confused than before. I was trying to sort things out, but I seem to have just ended up tying more knots. I don’t know, what would you do? I do know that I can
’t wait for my mom to get here tomorrow afternoon.
I almost just want someone else to make the decision for me. But that would be the easy way out. And with ED, there is no easy way out. Not alive.
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