Saturday, July 27, 2013

Randomness from the Racing Mind

So, I meant to update sooner, but stuff got in the way...OK, that’s a lie, I just got too lazy. Seems to be a side effect of this whole “recovery” thing, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. Go figure, I had more energy when I was using it all up!

[[[Starvation actually causes hyperactivity, it’s been shown in rats. Apparently during our hunter-gatherer days, anorexics were needed because their hyperactivity in times of starvation helped bring food to the community and therefore saved lives. They were then force-fed by the people after the famine was over, because they’d be needed again the next time. And that, or so I’ve read, is the reason for the genetic mutation that predisposes some of us to eating disorders.]]]

Anyway. I’ve been trying not to let this whole no-exercise, stuff-your-face thing bother me. But it’s only working to some extent. There are some things that bother me, and there are some things that bother ED, and surprisingly enough most of them are actually really easy to distinguish from each other. For example, the fact that my abs are soft and my stomach sticks out and my thighs are reeeeally close to touching. I try not to let those bother me because I know they’re not my thoughts, and I need to get rid of them if I’m ever going to be free.

Then there are the things that bother me, namely my symptoms--or lack thereof. I have no edema (swelling). No extreme hunger, in fact my appetite seems to have taken a nosedive. And I sweat less at night than I did before I stopped exercising. So since edema = repair, I'm afraid my body isn't repairing itself. And since night sweats = high metabolism, I'm worried that mine isn't revving up like it's supposed to. And the whole appetite thing...well, that just makes it harder to eat! And much less fun, because food is so much more enjoyable when you're hungry and not forcing it down your throat.

Either way, I can't wait to head for the beach next weekend so I can hopefully get a mental break for a while. Although that does raise whole new anxieties about wearing a bathing suit with my new belly, haha. And seeing family members I haven't seen since leaving home, when I will probably look so different than when they last saw me (I really have no idea what I'll look like in a week's time). I know that they're my family and they won't care, but it still feels awkward...I don't know. No use obsessing now, right?

All right, it appears my car is done getting fixed, so I'll stop here. And hope that it doesn't moan when I go beyond 10 mph anymore. (It's been hating these speed-limit-70 freeways around here.) OK, I'll be back later with more (hopefully positive) thoughts....
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