Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Careful What You Wish For

It’s been a Ben & Jerry’s couple of days. Ever since I learned of the release of two new Target exclusive flavors on Monday night, I’ve been looking for them. Well, third time’s the charm, and after 1) rushing out at 9 o’clock Monday night when I saw the news and being unable to find anything at my usual Target; 2) getting stuck in terrible traffic on the way to a different Target yesterday after work and still coming up short; and 3) getting stuck in even worse traffic on the way to and from yet another Target this evening, I finally met with some success.

I found one of the two flavors, admittedly the one I really wanted. This is Rockin’ Blondies: brown sugar ice cream, blonde brownies, and butterscotch toffee. YUM. (Yes, I bought two pints and I do not regret it!)
It’s a shame they’re replacing two of the other exclusive flavors, though. Well, I could care less about Berry Voluntary, but Brownie Chew Gooder? Nooooooo....

Second revelation? Actually, I think I really discovered this a week or so ago with Americone Dream, but I wasn’t positive because it’s been so long since I’ve looked at that container closely however, see Chocolate Therapy, which thanks to ED I know to be 240 calories per serving... now 250! And then I started thinking about it and I think my last pint of Cinnamon Buns (two-ish weeks ago) said 280, and I’m almost positive it used to be 290. It’s been a while since I’ve bought a pint of Chocolate Therapy, but maybe this relabeling happened about the time the design started turning pink (does anyone else remember, the lettering started out purple?). I asked B&J’s about it and they said they’d look into it for me, but until then, YAY 40 more calories for me--umm, not that I ate the whole pint or anything.... ;)

Now that’s all well and good and lighthearted, so here’s the thing. I’ve stopped sleeping. Like, at all. I think I might be getting hungrier and that’s the root of it, that I’m having trouble responding to that hunger because, well, frankly it’s quite scary. Last night, I think I just couldn’t fall asleep because, in spite of eating (no joke) 2000+ calories right before bed, I still wasn’t quite full. And that made me anxious which just exacerbated the situation. Because my weight hasn’t budged for at least a week (or at least it feels that way) and I feel like I should respond to the hunger because that’s how this is supposed to go and I feel guilty if I don’t, but then it gets all crazy perverted and I get anxious if I do eat something.

Finally around 3:30 in the morning, after reading through websites and listening to tons of music, I finished off my brownies. I just got up off the couch, shoved the last of them in my mouth, and actually said out loud, to the dark kitchen, “AHA! So there!” And then went back to bed and after a little while I finally must have fallen asleep.

I made a conscious effort to add an extra hundred calories at work today, and that made me slightly uncomfortable. But by the time I got home I was absolutely ravenous and exhausted all at the same time, which was really not a good combination. This is terrifying. I know what I need to do (and that is eat until I’m popping), but the trouble is doing it.

Since I started this all-in recovery, I’ve been jealous seeing what people eat with “extreme hunger,” as it’s called. I’ve been waiting for it to hit because I too want to have a completely crazy unbelievable day of eating. Until now I’ve just been plugging along happily enough at 3,500-4,000 calories but not feeling any real need to go above that. Sure I could have eaten more, but without the physical need (i.e. growling stomach) I (or my disorder) couldn’t really justify it. I have wanted extreme hunger from the very beginning. And here I am faced with it and scared out of my wits.

I need to ignore the fear of inflating like a hot air balloon and listen to my body and give it what it needs. It’s been through hell and back and it know what it wants and it damn well deserves it. It’s just my mind that needs to catch up to that thinking. I need to have faith that an enormous amount of what I eat will go toward repairs, not entirely weight gain. I know I need at least another 10-ish pounds before I can reasonably say I’m near my set point, and I know that most of what I’ve gained so far isn’t even “real” flesh, it’s water retention. But none of this seems to work to convince me that it’s OK to go far above 4,000 and that I will not lose control and become a roly-poly blob.

Jeez, sorry, I really did not mean to turn into such a Debbie Downer.... And I was all excited over the Ben & Jerry’s, too! Oh well, tomorrow’s a new day and a new chance at a huge breakfast! I know I need to just bite the bullet and give in. That’s what recovery is about, surrendering control to be in control, finally. It’s just hard to look at it that way sometimes.
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