Friday, August 16, 2013

I Made a Pan of Muffins...



Unbaked...

Yep, you read that right. A pan. Of those Reese’s Puffs muffins. I don’t have muffin tins in my apartment, because I never thought I’d be baking for myself. And this is a really big deal, because I have a fear of being in the same house as baked goods because I just *know* I will eat them all. I don’t think I’ve been near something homemade or not individually wrapped (not counting the Chips Ahoy we bought at the beach--and yeah, I did eat them in whole packages) since I cut back my exercise.

Done!
It’s not exactly that I have a fear of these foods; I’m perfectly fine with eating them. In fact I’m more than OK with eating them, and that’s the problem! When I started “bingeing” in the depths of my eating disorder--what I now realize was not bingeing AT ALL, but my poor body doing its best to survive through reactive eating--I would go through over half of a 9x13-inch pan of calorie-laden cookies or brownies or whatever the hell was in there. Didn’t matter if it wasn’t my favorite or if I didn’t even want it. And it scared me because I felt so out of control...and so I exercised, and the cycle continued...but that
’s another story, today we
’re talking about today.


So here we are and I understand the physiological mechanisms behind it so much more, and I know I need to get over it. If I do eat that whole pan of muffins tonight, then my body needs it. Yes, I will probably freak out if I do that. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it, because I should.

YUM!!!
And it’s looking like a really strong possibility, because lordy these are good! I’ve never been that into muffins (not a fan of cake, really, except the frosting, and muffins are just too “cakey”) so it seemed like a safer place to start...but maybe not. The peanut butter crunchies on top might be a little bit burnt, but I do like the crunch and they sort of give it a candy-ish feel. And the muffin part actually has peanut butter mixed in! (Trust me, I ate the batter. It’s soooo good.)

So maybe that pan (with a piece missing now) is stressing me out just a little. But it’s a nice day, I actually turned the air conditioning OFF and opened my windows because it’s so cool outside today! I would have more energy just because it’s not hot, but I haven’t slept well the past few nights. :/

And, the water retention is sticking around for a little while yet. Today I had TWO dents (on the same leg, only one on the other) from my desk at work and they once again last through shopping, getting the mail, shower, etc. It’s the weirdest thing because I can feel my shin bone the whole length of my leg but then there’s this crater...like the dent is in the actual bone...I don’t know, it’s really hard to describe. Well so are most things in recovery, but that’s why you just have to try it for yourself! Um, if you already have an eating disorder, that is. If not...well, honestly I wouldn’t wish any of this on anybody. But I know that when I come out the other side (not if, when!!), I will have an appreciation for and relationship with my body that very few people can say they have. Which makes everything worth it right there.
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