Thursday, August 15, 2013

When Downs are Ups and Ups are Ups Too (and some downs are still downs but that's ok)

Lot of crazy stuff in the past few days. I swear, ever since I got back from the beach it’s been like one of those amusement park rides that takes you up and then drops you, up and down, up and down....

In terms of mental state though, mostly up! So that’s good news. In fact most of the “down” is just annoying stuff. Like, my left turn signal is on speed so that needs replaced (after my wheel bearing just got fixed!!). My AC broke (again) this morning--which is NOT what you want to have happen in the middle of summer in North Carolina while you’re inhaling food like it’s going out of style and your metabolism is revving up! And earlier this week I tried to buy a jar of PB & Co. Mighty Maple at Walmart (even though I already had three jars at home, but come on, I’d NEVER SEEN that flavor before!), but the lady at the checkout couldn’t ring it up for some reason and so no peanut butter for me. :( Oddly enough (or maybe not), that bothers me more than all the rest of it put together.

On the plus side...I fixed a bug in our app that I’d been working on for about a week. (For you computer science people out there, you know how EXEC_BAD_ACCESS can be a royal pain in the ass to debug.) And I ate! Lots of ice cream, as usual (in fact I finished off the last of my Edy’s German Chocolate Cake at 8:30 yesterday morning in my pajamas), but yesterday around noon got hit with the cravings once again, which resulted in an after-work trip to Kroger (becoming a daily thing, I was there after work today, too). I came home with the first frozen pizza I have ever eaten in my life.

It reminded me of Papa John’s spinach alfredo pizza, only better...perfect for me because I like the white sauce SO MUCH better than regular pizza sauce. And four different types of cheese? Umm, yes please! Spinach, OK cool, I can take it or leave it. But the GARLIC...oh my, I think I’ve found my new favorite pizza. I had half of it last night, some this morning, and some after lunch at work today. I’m sad because it’s gone. :(

Sorry, did
t mean to food-porn you there...

So somewhere amid downing pizza and ice cream (and Pop-Tarts, and Goldfish, and yogurt mixed with Reese’s peanut butter cookie mix--

--and cereal and egg and cheese sandwiches...) I realized that although I’m not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man I was expecting when I first started recovery, I am...well, a little inflated. (Ohh, lordy, and now I want marshmallows!) At least, I’m pretty sure I’m retaining water. Sometimes when I move my legs I think the skin feels a bit tight...or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. But at work I’ll put my foot up on my chair and my shin against the desk, and so of course I get this dent, right? Only it doesn’t go away. Once I went for my walk at lunchtime, came back and it was still there. Then at the end of the day I got up, packed my stuff, went shopping, drove home, got the mail, took a shower, and--more than an hour and a half later--still there! That’s water retention for you. I also busted through a relatively new pair of socks, which may or may not be related, but my shoes do feel a little tight so I
’m wondering if maybe my feet are swollen. Or growing, wouldn

’t that be cool! Er--sort of...I really love my current pair of sneakers and I also busted through the mesh near the pinky toe of one of them, and I
’m not even abusing them running anymore
. :(

Oh--and I feel like I fell belly-down on a slab of concrete. Well, maybe not that extreme, but the whole front of my torso is sore and the only thing I can think of is that I lay on my stomach when I use my computer and I’m not eating dinner--so basically for a couple hours every night. But that should not make a normal person do a double take whenever they bend over and their stomach touches itself! I’ve also got it in the backs of my armpits, and I can guarantee you I don’t spend much time with my weight on my armpits.

Also--hips, right where the “love handles” are, and lower back. Poke them and it feels like a bruise. Now the only time I lay on my side is in bed and it is just ridiculous to get bruises from a mattress that is far from firm. BUT I did not say any of this was a bad thing! In fact it’s really reassuring because it means what I’m doing is WORKING and my body is using the edema to fix what I’ve torn apart over all these years. And yes, some part of my brain likes the fact that quite a bit of what I have gained is obviously water weight.

In the meantime, I’ve been battling with myself about stepping on the scale because I feel like, after spending the week at the beach literally stuffed to bursting...well, I’m feeling a bit less full. It’s not exactly hungry, but I get to the end of the day and even after eating a lot right before bed I feel like I could eat more. For some reason my stomach also feels (only slightly, but still) smaller than when I first got home. And I’m not as tired, and exhaustion is supposed to be another recovery symptom, and another one that I found to be the opposite when I started. Then again, I could attribute it to the extra activity and hour less of sleep every day while on vacation. So I’m really not sure what to think; I’ve been considering raising my minimum again but I’m still contemplating and I am resisting the temptation to step on the scale! I don’t *think* it would trigger me, but at this point I’d rather be safe than sorry. But I am super curious about my trajectory!!

Jeez, sorry for the long post guys...I guess that’s what happens when you let a few days go by without a proper update. I’m working on that. What can I say, I’m a work in progress. But at least I’m making progress!
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