Saturday, August 17, 2013

When You Start Second-Guessing Your Judgment, That's When You Can Trust It

So, I didn’t eat the whole pan of muffins last night. Just most of it. I got bored just over halfway through and moved on to Pop-Tarts. I ate the rest of it this morning for breakfast (I feel like I can get away with that, since they are muffins, after all). And on to the next challenge...well, two challenges, I guess, because I have too many coupons to use up on my Kroger card...

Anyway, I’ve moved onto Chips Ahoy!. And not the individual bags, because that would be cheating, but the resealable packages. I bought two kinds, the ones with white chocolate chunks and the chewy ones with Reese’s cups (they were 2/$5.00 for members, haha). I’m usually OK with bags of cookies when they’re unopened; for some reason I don’t feel the need to eat them. (You already knew I was messed up, why should this surprise you?) So I used to get really upset when I came downstairs in the morning to find that my dad had opened a package of Oreos or whatever during his middle-of-the-night half-sleeping kitchen raid. Because it meant the inevitable struggle later that night to only eat four, or six, or whatever I had allotted myself, and it meant forsaking other food to “fit” them in, which I hadn’t planned on, and the whole thing was just so wretched and made me extremely miserable and anxious.

So tonight I have the responsibility of opening (at least) one bag. And eating however many I freaking want, because now calories (past 3,500, anyway) don’t exist anymore. OK, OK, while we were on vacation I ate the better part of two packages of Chewy Chips Ahoy! in one go (that’s one each, not two packages at once)--but there’s just something about being alone with an entire bag of cookies that seems so much more...ominous?

It’s just going to be like this for a while...I see a pan of cookies (or whatever), body says “Whee! Easy energy!!” and 15 minutes later...let’s just say, um, no more energy.

Challenge number two will be making brownies, sometime. (After the Chips Ahoy! are like, two days, tops?) Yep, Betty Crocker brownies were also on sale and in order to use my coupon I had to buy two boxes, so I came home with a family-sized box of fudge brownies and some triple chocolate variety...just a little preview for you. :)

Oh, and in today’s breaking news: I deflated! I’m sure I’ve still got water retention, but I woke up this morning not sore (well, only in a few spots and much less so). Barely any creases from my sheets/clothes, either, and my socks are hardly leaving marks around my ankles. My thighs have retracted a little bit (just a wee bit, but still). I seem just overall a bit smaller...unfortunately that also includes my boobs, but that’s neither here nor there...

And...I have officially gained 20 pounds since starting MinnieMaud! That’s about 30 pounds total. Yeah, I gave in and weighed myself, even though I know I shouldn’t. But I was sitting there, battling with myself, and I realized that the fact that I was hesitant to scare myself with the number had to count for something. Plus, I’ve been feeling like I shrunk since coming back from vacation which has me wondering if I need to be eating more. And I don’t have a doctor yet (I will as of next week) tracking things for me to give me a general (i.e., not specific numbers) idea that I’m going in the right direction.

And I felt like I was being honest with myself when I said I wouldn’t let it change the way I feel about my body right now. Which is, honestly, fine. I sort of like it. (Well, the lack of boobs is and probably always will be frustrating.) A month ago I couldn’t even fathom weighing this much, let alone being OK with it, but now here we are and I’ve eaten four servings of chocolatey peanut buttery muffins on top of everything else AFTER seeing that number.

In fact my whole outlook is a little inverted now in that I’m sitting at a BMI of about 20 and I know I’ve still got more to gain because that’s a healthy BMI for only a very small percentage of the population. (And remember BMI doesn’t really even matter! I’m afraid this is coming across as still terribly disordered when I feel like it really isn’t.... :P) I actually feel right now like there really isn’t much fat on my body at all (I never DREAMED those words would come out of my mouth, physical or virtual), even though I no longer have any jeans that fit. Which means a looong road ahead, because repair really happens after vital organ insulation (read: fat deposition around the stomach).

I can’t lie and say I’m looking forward to being able to say that yes, my vital organs have been noticeably insulated. But I am taking comfort in knowing how much my perceptions have shifted already, after just a month (well, I’m just one day short), and therefore knowing that another such shift is possible as I continue on this road. I do not feel any “fatter” than I did during the worst of ED. Maybe bigger, yes, but not fatter. There is a difference. It’s all in perspective.
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