Friday, September 20, 2013

Buffalo Day!

***This post is dedicated to my mom, whose reaction to the first buffalo we saw in Yellowstone has led us to use the code word “buffalo” for a certain four-letter expletive. Today was the day something finally clicked and I said, well, buffalo it.***

More specifically, this morning. I woke up at 5:30 and there was this empty knot feeling in my stomach that might have been hunger, so I was like, OK, here’s my chance, I’ll go have a cookie so TAKE THAT ED!

Now this is a package of crunchy white chocolate chip cookies (like the Chips Ahoy!, only the Kroger brand) that I opened last night and I ate a couple (OK, maybe like 8). So I have the cookie (one measly cookie) and I’m all proud of myself, go lay back down in bed and not two minutes later I want more cookies. So I go back to the kitchen and grab two, back to bed, before I even lay down this time I’m on my way back for some more...rinse and repeat. Eventually I just settled down on my couch, which is right next to the kitchen, you know, just in case.

Well, finally I just took the whole package with me and finished it off. Somewhere between 12 and 15 cookies, I lost count. So I tried to go back to sleep and nope, that hole is still there. Only this time I want a Quest bar.

OK, Quest bar eaten, surely that’s enough...haha, no! So out of nowhere I want toast. With butter. 
I have never actually craved toast before.
So, I made toast. And for good measure threw in the last piece of Eggo French toast from my freezer. Oh, plus the four or so handfuls of Vanilla Cupcake Goldfish during the tortuous wait for the toaster to ding.

In all, estimating, about 1,500 calories. Before breakfast. And then I ate what I normally do throughout the day, plus a pair of Pop-Tarts. TAKE THAT ED!

I’m just so freaking excited about this. See, I’ve still been fairly disordered in my thoughts and hitting a wall with seeing the minimum as a maximum or at least, don’t go more than 500 calories over sort of thing. And I’m horrible about “saving” my calories for the evening/night. Up to now, I was eating about 1,000 calories throughout the day and then the rest at night. I was, I suppose, in quasi-quasi-recovery. Somewhere between quasi and the real thing. But now it’s like a switch flipped this morning, and I just got tired of getting bigger without getting better, you know what I mean? And I’ve been scared that I’ve been underfeeding my body and so it’s still not at optimal metabolism, and still packing away fat, and all that jazz, because I’m too afraid to go all out and eat as much as it demands.

So I feel this huge sense of freedom now. I’ve promised myself that I will not restrict anything tonight. If I want to have all the food I usually do at night (which is, sort of embarrassingly almost enough to meet the minimum on its own), then, dammit, I will!

There’s also something incredibly relaxing about knowing that I can eat cookies at 5 or 4 or even 3 in the morning if I want to, so I don’t necessarily feel the need to have my before-bed ritual right now. Because the cookies will always be there, I can have them whenever I want and not ONLY before bed, so therefore I don’t HAVE to have them before bed. It seems so simple now that I can see it, that knowing you can have ALLTHEFOOD makes you not want ALLTHEFOOD.

OK, I probably lost a ton of you already because you really don’t care about my hyperactive and totally whacked-out thought process.

Anyway...there are some downsides. Like being too hyper to focus on anything today (and that includes food, for once!) for more than two minutes. Having, shall we say, some digestive issues. I feel large but at the same time not larger (yes, that’s weird, I know). And sweating bullets all day. Actually, I got to work and fifteen minutes after I sat down I had to check the thermostat because I would have sworn it was set higher than usual. But nope, it was actually a couple degrees cooler inside today because it was cloudy, and like all big companies we love huge wall-length glass windows, which of course just creates a lovely greenhouse effect. I’m sure it’s nice in the winter. :P

Gosh, see, this is what I was like living in my own brain all day! I am totally all over the place but it’s impossible to forget the biggest downside, which is the fear of being weight restored and possibly more (no idea what I weigh at the moment, but 2-3 weeks ago I was 130), at the top of the “healthy” BMI range or even slightly above it (which actually means I have the least chance of dying and, incidentally, would not have been “overweight” in 1998). And having this extreme hunger. I’ve gained my weight incredibly quickly and now eating more just scares the shit out of me. Part of me is just screaming that if I gained so fast before, I will be huge and massively overshot my set point in a week if I keep eating this much. I’m trying to counter that with the part of me that says (hopes) that now my metabolism will REALLY have a chance to speed up and I will stabilize quicker and hopefully not overshoot (as much). Because keeping on restricting (and yes, not responding to extreme hunger counts to your body as restricting, because it’s not getting what it wants) will lead to overshoot. At least that’s what I feel like.

OK, OK. Time to stop. I could go on and on around and around in circles, but for your sake and the sake of my keyboard I won’t. If you made it this far, you deserve a freaking medal. Thank you!

Happy Buffalo Day! :)
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