Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Guess What?!


Guess what...


Sydney is here!! He got off the trailer to a nice cold shower and a bucket full of oats and a huge pile of hay, so he was quite happy with the arrangements. So now he’s enjoying the sights and getting to know his new buddy. And things are about to get busier, but that’s OK because it’s totally worth it! A huge thank you to everyone who helped get my horsey to North Carolina!!


Right now I am exhausted but I don’t care. I love knowing that he’s less than 20 minutes away now.

I got back from State College last night, after the most ridiculous flights. First, I got stuck on the hottest airplane ever at Washington-Dulles because they wouldn’t let us off for half an hour after we landed (still don’t know why). Then there was the flight from Dulles to RDU. First we got delayed on the ground because the cleaning crew was slow. Really?? But we were all set to land on time until a plane hit a bird coming out of RDU and the whole entire airport shut down. So we spent 30 minutes flying back and forth, seeing the same smokestack out the window, until the pilot told us we were almost out of gas and had to land in Greensboro to refuel. So of course as soon as he makes that turn the airport opens back up. The good news is that everyone is safe, except the poor bird.

The visit to State College was great. Quite possibly the best time I’ve spent in State College, actually. I got to ride my horsey and see my pony and friends and family. And I came back to Durham with a lot more on my mind than just food. It’s weird, in a good way. Like I just realized that life is waayy more complicated than the little cage I was living in before. Yes, I still ate a crap-ton while I was there, and yes, I still eat a lot now. But I eat a lot without planning it out hours in advance or dreaming it up all day. (At least not as much.)

The last time I was in State College I was still so disordered. I can see it now; it really hit me this past weekend. I found myself at Wegmans buying ingredients for a dish I was making for our family get-together, and as I walked through the store I realized, this is the first time I’ve ever shopped at Wegmans non-disorderedly. No kidding. The last time I was there my shopping lists consisted of carrots, cauliflower, nutrition bars, and Powerade Zero. This time I got two cans of Pillsbury Grands and parmesan cheese, and I ate an entire can for myself at the party (I made two batches of garlic-parmesan pull-apart bread), on top of my mom’s (VERY cheesy) homemade mac and cheese, some corn pudding, one strawberry (still not into fruit, haha), and some random cheesy, buttery potatoes (I’ll be honest, I only ate them for the cheese), and various chips. And I went back for seconds of everything, not counting random handfuls of stuff on my way through the house.

And guess what else?? All that was BEFORE 5 O’CLOCK! It’s still a huge deal for me to eat the majority of my minimum before 8 or even 9 p.m. Of course, I still ate a ton of cookies as a bedtime snack, purely because my mom makes the most amazing cookies and I haven’t had them since I first decided to “recover” and I actually asked her not to make them! I really was a basket case. Speaking of which...




My family is pretty cool. :)

The weekend definitely gave me a lot to think about. So much that I can’t really focus on very much right now. Which in a way is a good thing, because before I left I was focusing on the fact that I seemed to have poofed up in a very short space of time when I was hoping my gaining would level off. (I don’t actually know what I weigh/how much I gained, I just feel quite a bit bigger.) Is it sad that I was so relieved to still fit into my pants this morning, even though they were loose three days ago? I mean, one weekend shouldn’t make that big of a difference, even if you are the type of person who, um, expands in airplanes. :)

So there are still dumb insecurities, still parts of my thought process that are quite obviously ED. But going back home (or I guess it’s not really “home” anymore?) revealed how much less of that I have. So yes, I was nervous about going back and having everyone see “me” in this body. But there really was no need. Going back to the origins of my eating disorder was far from triggering, it was enlightening in ways I never expected. And something I needed to do before I could move on.

Plus it was just a freaking good time! :)
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