Saturday, September 28, 2013

Magical Weird Week

The past week has been a weird one. Weird in a good way. I feel like I’ve made a bunch of progress in a short amount of time, albeit progress I should have been making from day ond of MinnieMaud. I don’t know, that Buffalo Day last Friday clicked something into place in my brain, like doing it once makes it less and less scary and so I actually started packing more to bring with me to work. I try to listen to my hunger instead of waiting for whatever time to eat. On Thursday I was on my way out the door to go to the barn after work and I realized, I’m hungry. Well, what would a normal person do? Eat. What would I have done a week ago? Wait til I got home and it was “dinnertime.”

I’ve been holding back because I’m still afraid of gaining “too much” weight. As in, over my set point. But it’s more likely than not, and nothing I do is going to change whether or not my body decides it needs overshoot to finish all the repairs. Except I could probably drive the overshoot higher, if I kept ignoring when my stomach asks for food.

The sooner I overshoot, the sooner I become weight-stable, the sooner I taper to my set point, the sooner I am done with this whole process. And the last thing I want is to be physically healthy but not mentally healed, because I know what torture it is for an ED mind to live in a “normal” body.

So it’s crazy, in a good way. In the way that I never thought I’d see myself doing any of the things I’m doing now, much less enjoying them. Yesterday, for the first time since starting MM, I did not ride OR walk. And how many times this week have I woken up in the wee hours of the morning, plowed through a ridiculous amount of food, and gone back to bed? Yesterday morning I ate a whole package of Kroger-brand Chips Ahoy! and this morning I baked and ate a whole can of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls at 4:30. Plus a Chips Ahoy! and a chocolate Rice Krispies Treat while I waited for them to cook. I don’t even care. In fact I swear my riding pants were looser this morning, after breakfast (no the cinnamon rolls didn’t count for breakfast). It’s probably just mental but I don’t even care because it all amounts to the same thing, really.

I’m sure I’ve got more weight gain coming at me. It would be almost impossible, having topped 5,000 calories several days and not going below 4,500. But I will deal with that when it comes. In the meantime, the weekends are my days to have fun cooking, so of course I have to share today’s lunch recipe!

Tortellini Bake (recipe here)

Once again, I followed that recipe, except I only made a single-serving-sized dish because all my other dishes are in use at the moment. And I burnt the crap out of the cheese topping because the BROIL setting on my oven should be marked INSTANTANEOUSLY CHAR BROIL. I swear...I only had it broiling for 3 minutes and the recipe says 10 and theirs doesn’t look like that!

Anyway, it was still YUM. Better than the macaroni and cheese last weekend, although I think I might make some more of that tomorrow to get me through the week. I also discovered that tortellini is amazing, even without the sauces and cheese on top. The kind I used was Buitoni three-cheese, and I think I found my new favorite pasta. The cool thing is that pasta doesn’t leave me feeling heavy and uncomfortably full like it used to.

Well, that’s not exactly surprising, considering nothing fills me up at the moment. I am eating regularly throughout the day, and pretty much constantly from dinner to bed, and I brush my teeth feeling like I could eat the whole day’s worth of food again if I fancied, but still being satisfied with what I’ve got...until three hours later when I wake up hungry again! It’s so weird, but comforting because this is what’s supposed to happen. This is my body waking up to the wonderful calories available to it and asking for more to repair!

There is something magical about extreme hunger. Do you know what I did this morning? I poured my cereal straight into the bowl. I did not measure it. I have no idea how much I ate, isn’t that cool?!

I don’t want to give the impression that all my days are easy. They’re not. I feel like I only write about the good ones. Which is partly because they’re fun to write about, and partly because when I have a bad day I just lose all motivation to do pretty much anything and just mess around with pointless stuff. I just don’t feel like blogging about it. So I feel like I’m painting a very skewed picture. Just don’t be fooled, this is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

I just take heart in the belief that someday, I will not get ridiculously excited in the middle of Kroger because I found Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts. Or maybe not, because I’m just like that. But there is a difference between loving food and having your life be ruled by food. I will not have the latter. There is more to it than that.
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