Saturday, September 14, 2013

Two Brains

I have two brains.

The one, I walk around with all the time. It’s the one I was feeling a lot about midweek. The other is the one that I look at myself objectively in the mirror with.

See here’s the thing, is I can go from feeling enormous and jiggly and gross, to looking at myself in the mirror and thinking I look thin--not THIN thin, but normal “slim” as people say--excepting my stomach, which when I wear the right clothes isn’t even that bad.

I guess what I mean is, I don’t look like what I think 130 pounds should look like on me.

So the numbers (read: disordered) part of my brain is having a field day with OMG OMG I’m getting closer and closer to the upper limit of “normal” and I’m still gaining and it’s making me anxious. But the other part is like, still look pretty small. I could deal with my stomach never shrinking and some more boobage, and guess what that means, gaining weight!

So I’m torn between bring it on and can I please be stable already. It is SO absolutely confusing!! I don’t really know what to think, or do, whether I should just go out and have an all-you-can-eat buffet all day just cuz, or if I’m scared to.

The other weird thing is that I’m still growing out of the bigger clothes I bought a month ago. So yeah, I don’t particularly like going up another size. I’m not sure what to think about that either.

Maybe the solution is just not to think. About this, anyway. I believe thinking is what got me into this mess. So having stuff outside of food to focus on is good, like Sydney and work and blogging and little fun things in my free time. I saw The Butler today and you need to see it too. It’s the best movie I’ve been to this year.

Oops, I got a little random at the end there. My brain (both parts!) is getting boggled here. Maybe it will make more sense in the morning.
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