Sunday, October 13, 2013

Long Awaited Update

It’s been way too long since I actually wrote about me, I’ve forgotten most of what’s happened since my last update. I just know that a lot of it has been weird and confusing and BLAH.

So first, I am officially “overweight,” which I am not thrilled about. I know it shouldn’t matter but on some level it does. I’ve had a week of pretty poor body image that’s not really getting better and is only helped a little bit by the fact that the scars on my back are very very light now, and...oh yeah, I’m now officially 5’5”! Which really is pretty cool, considering that I’ve just grown a half inch at 22 years old. I’m just now ready not to be so awkward-looking and stop gaining 5 pounds a week! At this rate I’m afraid it will never stop...I know that’s my eating disorder talking, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Next weird thing: I can watch TV again. Oh sure I would “watch” it a lot for background noise before, but my hands always had to be doing something else. Like TV in itself wasn’t distracting enough and having the hands active made it impossible to eat. But I have been able to just sit on the couch and watch. Especially the Big Bang Theory; I’ve been going through episode after episode on my computer. Maybe this is my mind calming down and getting into being sedentary, or maybe I’m just able to focus on the TV rather than food because I’m thinking less about food (more than usual anyway)...I don’t know, but I kind of like it and so does CBS.

My cravings are also changing. I haven’t had nearly as much of a sweet tooth lately, although today it made up for the past week with three brownies after lunch. But I haven’t been eating hardly any ice cream. Instead, I’ve discovered cereal. I think I’ve eaten at least seven boxes of cereal in the past week. And protein bars. My breakfast this morning was a bowl of Reese’s Puffs and three Quest bars. But hey, whatever...I’m just kind of going with it, there’s not much else I can do right now.

I don’t know, everything is just so weird. I know it’ll be a long time until it isn’t, but a year seems so far off. I just can’t contemplate life where food is just there, even though I get little tastes of it day by day. It’s just such a foreign concept to me, I was shocked today when I sat down for five hours after lunch and did not want to eat. And thanks to that newfound ability to concentrate on something else, for the first time in my life I started and finished a drawing in one sitting.

(Of Peter)
I’m trying to focus only on the positives. It’s hard, but usually what’s hard is worth it. And this will be worth it. I would give anything to be “normal.”
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