Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The M-Word


It’s almost Thanksgiving!! So in case I don’t get to post tomorrow, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I am flying to State College tonight, which I expect will be quite a shock--although the weather down here did get pretty chilly this past weekend. And all this is if my flights even make it to Pennsylvania, because the snow and yuck up there make things iffy.

But none of that (except wishing you all a happy Thanksgiving) is why I wanted to post today. Nope, I wanted to post because I went to the doctor yesterday to follow up after he did some bloodwork and gave me the progesterone. As usual, I got weighed (and I know I’m still gaining pretty quickly, despite the fact that I haven’t bought new clothes in months). Then he ordered a thyroid test. And then mentioned the m-word (“maintain”).

Up until that it was just a subtle hint that “you’re too fat now,” but when he actually mentioned getting control over food...maybe it’s just me, but I heard “you’re too fat now, so you’re not allowed to eat unrestrictedly anymore.”

Maybe “maintain where we are” means keep doing the same thing, but if it means restricting food, well, fuck that. I can think of a bunch of reasons why not.
  • A lot of this is water. This amount of gain would be impossible otherwise.
  • BMI is fucked up. Excuse my language today. But statistically, I currently have the longest life expectancy. How again to we define “healthy”?
  • I’m growing. I grew about 1/4” since the last time I went in--which was slightly less than three weeks ago. Growing requires energy and I would like to keep doing it.
  • I’m also going through a sort of delayed puberty. Which also required a ton of energy, and like the growth, I would like it to continue, thank you very much.
  • My periods haven’t come back by themselves. Yes, I did the hormone challenge, and yes, I got a period. But it wasn’t completely mine. There is a reason my body hasn’t started cycling yet, and that is because it is still repairing and still trying to trust me. I have spent likely 8 years abusing my body, and four months is not enough to gain its trust back. And I do not want to take drugs to induce a period. It defeats the purpose of having one in the first place. I will know when my body is healthy enough to have children.
  • Average recovery time is 18 months. I am starting number 5. And after everything my body has been through, I think my recovery will be one of the longer ones.
  • Oh yeah, I’m recovering from a restrictive eating disorder. In which case restriction does not help. If you’ve ever had an eating disorder, you know it’s with you for life. Eating disorders don’t very well let you restrict “just a little.” It’s an addiction. It’s like giving an alcoholic a fridge full of drinks (a la Flight) and telling them not to get “too drunk.” Yes, I’ve gained a lot of weight, but that doesn’t make me automatically “better.” People die from this, OK. Perfectly good, intelligent, kind, and caring people. I read most of Jeremy Gillitzer’s blog yesterday and today, and it was eerie. Eerie reading a dead person’s blog, eerie knowing that his condition, my condition, killed him three years ago. Eerie to recognize bits of myself in the entries. And horrifying, to watch someone, even someone you don’t know, dying. To watch them watch themselves dying and just waiting for the end. It’s horrifying and I will not be one of those people. I like the alternative better.

I believe in this approach. I believe in the set point theory. I believe in unrestricted eating for life. I do not believe that fat people don’t deserve to eat. I wanted to break my TV when I saw the commercial for the Thanksgiving edition of Biggest Loser. (And now having a debate with myself whether or not watching The Voice live is worth it.) What is wrong with people?

I understand that I’m in a teeny tiny minority here. I don’t even know if anyone who reads this will believe. That’s OK. You don’t have to believe. You don’t even have to support me. I only ask that you let me do this in peace.
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