Tuesday, November 5, 2013

What it FEELS Like

Sorry for not updating the blog much lately, but I’ve been experiencing life. Granted, a lot of tough life. It sucked. I lost interest in food, meaning I only made it over my minimum by a couple hundred calories most days. I didn’t sleep very well. I cried a lot. Actually I think I’ve cried every day since last Monday. I cried myself into a comatose sleep on my couch at 8 o’clock Friday night, and I have not gone to sleep before 11 for over a year now.

I’ve been getting home late, long after dark. I threw myself into helping at the barn to avoid being alone in my apartment with nothing but my own thoughts. Of course the upshot of all of this is that I had a huge EH attack this past weekend. Thank goodness Halloween candy went on sale! Gosh, being upset takes a lot of energy!

But this time was different, like something broke inside of me. I just didn’t care. I just don’t have the energy to care anymore. There are so many more important things in my brain right now. There is no room for food, heck there’s almost no room for an appetite. I cannot remember ever feeling this way before.

And I can’t really describe it because I can’t even remember feeling before. I have not cried like this, ever. Period. It feels so good.

This is grief, for everything and everyone I’ve lost and will lose, those who were dying with me and now I’m not but they’re gone, forever. For the time I lost, the time during which I could not express the feelings I did not know I had, when I could not reciprocate friendship and compassion and love. I never said “I love you” because I could not comprehend that.

So much of it I’ve lost without a choice, lost it to death and ED and inaction. And I am finding it almost unbearable to just sit by and watch more of it go, without doing everything I can to hold on, because now it matters so much to me, these newly discovered feelings.

I am connecting with others’ hurts and troubles. I used to say “that sucks,” it was actually one of my favorite sayings--but it translated into, “that sucks for you,” which is a subtle yet important distinction. And that was as far as my empathy stretched. I’ve never felt the pain in someone else’s face before. This is all new to me.

I am connecting with myself, I can’t just say “fine” when someone asks how I am without some part of me giving away that “fine” is not the answer. Whereas before I would be able to convince myself I was fine. I could convince myself I was anything--angry, sad, happy, scared--anything I wanted because I never really knew what those things were. What they felt like.

And now I do. Yes, I am hurting, but at least now I can feel it.

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