Thursday, December 19, 2013

I am a sarcastic, bitter and damn lucky buffalo, sorry.

So the start of recovery really really sucks. You go through it and it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. You’re scared of going forward and scared of going back and sick of staying where you are. I remember that really well and right now I wish I could go back and to the start of my true recovery with the knowledge I have now, and do everything right away that I was too scared to do at first. Like giving into the extreme hunger. Eating lots of food earlier in the day. Becoming totally sedentary.

But I’m approaching five months now (in two more days!) and it sucks in a totally different way.

On the whole I’m happier than I can remember being in years. I have faith in this process and I know it will work, whether it takes a year or two or three or more, whether my set point is naturally high or not.

The sucky part now is other people. (Not all other people!)

I’m fairly sure most of this stems from my inability to form a coherent argument. And the fact that I hate contradicting people.

So when people try to tell me I am unhealthy because of my size, my arguments usually consist of either not saying anything when they ask “Do you know what I mean?” or shrugging and making this really weird face, or “Maaaybe...” Most of them don’t care, they just keep talking, because, well, I’m unhealthy.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that all my bloodwork is TOTALLY NORMAL for the first time in I don’t know how many years? And that BMI is totally arbitrary and IMO definitely not something to be applied in the case of recovery from restrictive eating disorders.

So, I am unhealthy by one number.

If that number was my height, would anyone say anything? No. Height is inherited, our bodies maintain our height because it is the right height for our bodies.

Well, weight is the same way.

I might also remind you that the “normal” BMI range actually does not have the lowest mortality rate. So when you ask an overweight person to diet, you are increasing their likelihood of dying. Great, just great. Would you prescribe someone a medicine with those statistics? “Here, take this pill, you might die sooner, yay!”

I refuse to “take control” or whatever. It’s the opposite. I’m five months in. Average length of recovery is 18 months. The Minnesota Starvation Experiment lasted six months and it took one man three years before his body got back to the way it was before starvation. That includes overshooting and tapering, appetite regulation, repair...well, everything that comes with recovery from an ED.

So should I be totally fine and dandy in not even five months? Uh, right. I’ll work on that. Because I can totally control this process and come out the other side in remission. Ugh.

I can’t. I need this process, I need to see it through. If I stop now, I will never learn to trust my body. I will never learn that it can regulate itself fine without my interference. My hunger cues are still wacky, and you think ignoring them is going to help sort them out?

Why do you think treatment centers have such a high relapse rate? It can’t be the “OK you’ve gained enough weight, now you can cut your calories and maintain,” because cutting calories and avoiding weight gain is not an ED thing at all. I don’t know one person with an ED who does that. (/sarcasm)

I’m sorry. I don’t know where all this bitterness is coming from. Maybe seeing people relapse because of comments that are much less direct. Sometimes I ask myself why the hell am I so trigger-proof, not once has anything made me relapse. (Knock wood.) I feel so many majority recoverers would have by now. I watch people crumbling at the same things that have been said to me and I realize how lucky I am and wonder why, why me? Why not everyone else too? What exactly does it take to get through all of this shit and come out the other side, and why do some people have it and not others?

I’m scared. Scared for everyone out there facing these same doubters and questioners and giving up because of it. It’s like swimming against a riptide.

Am I just a lucky little buffalo? Maybe I am. Or maybe I am just a stubborn little buffalo stuck in my own opinions. And maybe I offend those of you that I tune out, but please don’t take it personally. Or do, I don
’t know. At this point it’s just a survival mechanism. Because I want to come out the other side.
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