Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Real Me

I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving! It was a tough couple of days, mostly because everyone seemed so small. In fact everything seemed smaller than I remember it, including the shower and the sink. So it was like being reminded almost every second how big I am now. But some really good things also happened, and I learned the true value of the saying, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Luckily I spent the whole holiday break with people who matter. And now that I’m back I just don’t really give a shit anymore. I know I will end up where I’m meant to be.

Which is sort of a segue into what I really wanted to talk about: Relationships.

I was in middle school when I started trying to change who I was. I’ve never really felt completely comfortable around people. There were friends and there were family, and the main difference was the ease with which I talked and acted. I’ve always felt embarrassed about being in a close relationship with someone outside of family, like I needed to be someone else because I was just too odd and I needed to be someone else in order to contribute.

So last year (or really 6 months ago even), in the depths of my ED, when all I wanted to do was isolate myself, it was even worse. I had my best friend, my friend for life, I didn’t need anyone, and I didn’t want anyone.

I was afraid to be close to anyone.

There were still people who wanted to do stuff with me that year. (You know who you are, there were like two of you and you deserve a medal!)

Ironically, it’s these people who I feel as comfortable with now as I do with my family. For two reasons, both stemming from the fact that I wanted to push everyone away.

The first is obvious--I was not a very nice friend to have. I like to think I’m nicer to be around now.

The second reason is, well, I was myself. As much of myself as was left, anyway. When people pursued close relationships, what better way to push them away than to be myself?

Now it’s different. I used to only sing in front of my family, but that has changed. I’m not afraid to be me for fear of pushing people away, and I’m not being myself in order to push them away. I’m being myself because that’s who I am, and that’s OK.

So if you knew me then, you really did know me. And you matter. :)
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